The Realist Shit I Ever Wrote

There comes a time where you feel confused..
lost
helpless
hopeless
This list goes on and on.

And then there comes a time where something happens that changes all that, and all of a sudden you find the answers...

That time for me happened just the other day.

There was someone I was dealing with for quite some time now. He was more like my weakness. And dealing with him, I was definitely at my weakest. On and off, running in circles, it was a relationship like a cat and mouse. We spent time chasing each other, more so like a game to see who will win. "Who will give into each other first" Who will break and make the first contact when we haven't spoken in a while. Who will be the first one to say "I miss you." Whoever was first meant the other person wins. And to be quite honest, I was usually the loser.

Cuz with me, its too hard to hide my feelings. Too hard to pretend. Too hard to live a lie when I know the truth. The truth was, he was everything I wanted. Problem is, sometimes what you want is not what you need.

He wasn't what I needed. But I couldn't figure out how to let go. How to distance myself. Each time I tried he found a way to drag me back in. We both tried going our separate ways, I started dating other people, he did too..but the minute I saw him, it was tunnel vision, forgetting everything else that could have been possibly right for me and chasing after what was wrong. He told me constant lies, that I would try to believe, always making excuses for him. I was protecting him more than myself.

Any lie he told me, I made an excuse for it...Making excuses for him were my way of creating a way for it be OK for me to be with him. I knew the reality, I just chose to ignore it. People like myself can MAKE themselves blind, only choosing what you want to see so you can live in a brief moment of happiness. Moments like those don't last forever. There comes a point where you have to face the truth. You tried turning you back on it, tried running away... But what can you do other than face it when it follows you wherever you go?

I had to face the truth, but I was still running. It was HIM who helped me. I'm sure he didn't mean to. I'm sure he meant to do the opposite. I know he would've never wanted me to snap out of the lust crazed spell he had over me and finally face reality. But, I'm thankful for his help.

Outta anger he told on himself. A bbm text that I still remember word for word. Something that I didn't WANT to hear but exactly what I NEEDED to. Reading what he wrote would usually make me angry, but that day...that day was different. I felt a sudden calmness come over me. No jealously, no rage, no pain, no regret. He finally gave up on his lies and spilled out the truth, and in a way where you can tell the words were meant to hurt me. But sometimes when you've been hurting for so long all you become is just, NUMB.

And that's when it hit me....I was thankful. Thankful that he finally said the truth...everything i knew was there, but kept my eyes closed not to see it. Thankful for that slap in the face he was trying to deliver. Thankful that through his anger, he has opened my eyes to a brand new me. A me that knows I'm better than to give all of myself to someone like him. The sacrifices I was willing to make were not about to be his blessing. When I love, I love HARD, and he shall and will always remain a stranger to that.

I read that bbm text he sent me over and over before i finally sent my simple reply.... "good looking out" and smiled as I put my phone down.

No more games, no more cat and mouse. No more tunnel vision. No more lies and DEFINITELY no more excuses. What happened that day is what I needed. Something I had to go thru. And it was for the best...Because I deserve the best...and someone else deserve the best of me. I am no longer caught up in a tangled web of lies...I finally faced the truth

And you know how the old saying goes


The truth shall set you free..