I Love Money 4..What I have to say...

So, the finale just aired...and as you see I didnt win. :(

You're probably wondering how I feel about losing my chance at winning $250,000... Needless to say I cried like a lil bitch when I lost, but then again...what was I suppose to do, jump for joy :/

To be honest, at that moment it was heartbreaking. Not because I didnt win. But because I KNEW that I gave up. When I saw myself so far behind Mindy and Brooklyn at that last leg of the challenge, something in me told me I had lost, and in a way I quit trying...even tho the competition wasnt over. So yeah, I was hurt.

BUT...

Some things happen for a reason. After the finale, Mindy, Brooklyn, and myself were sitting in that huge house, no cameras, no crew, just us...and there was nothing left to do but talk...That talk we had that night changed my outlook on losing.

Now its not my place to tell anyone's business, but Mindy told myself and Brooklyn some very personal things about herself, her life, and her struggles that she was dealing with at the time. I thought to myself "wow, this chick has it rough."

I knew she had it rough before ( thats why in one of the episodes I was being a bitch and throwing it in her face :( sorry) but she revealed its more rough than we knew.

Of course I wasnt the biggest Mindy fan, but you dont have to be best friends with someone just to understand them and feel where theyre coming from.

After listening to Mindy story, I can say, I didn't deserve to win that money, she did. She was at a point in her life where she NEEDED something like that to happen to her cuz there was really no where else for her to turn. I on the other hand, being 21 at the time knew I had alot more opportunities in my life. Now I'm 23, and living comfortable with no complaints, I actually must say, I'm more than blessed for the lifestyle I have now. Someone like Mindy deserves that money more than someone like me...

Two years ago, I wanted that money to help out my dad...2 years later my dad is doing great, so what you REALLY think I would be spending some of that money on now(cus you know the winner doesnt get the money til the show is completely done airing)...(Lets be real)

Everything happens for a reason.

Mindy was the only person in that house who's heart and soul was in that game. Someone couldve chopped off that girls legs and she wouldve still been determinded to win that money, cuz to her it was alot more than just money....Theres a difference between needs and wants. Everyone else in that house WANTED 250,000....I truly think Mindy needed it.

I hope Mindy is doing much better now and enjoying that nice paycheck.

Congrats girl, you deserve it!

Find A Guy Who...

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her... "

Kim Vs. Nicki

I was on twitter and saw everyone tweeting about this whole Kim vs. Nicki thing thats going on. Everyone choosing sides, giving their input..etc. So I decided to tweet my OWN input.

Heres what I tweeted...

"I keep seeing this whole lil kim, nicki minaj ish on my timeline.. Let me tell ya'll my input..Every artist in the industry usually start off swagger jackin another artist or individual.BUTTTTT they EVENTUALLY figure out how to create their OWN persona with what they started out with.. For instance (cont'd)
Lady Gaga came from Madonna came from Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn Monroe (jus in case u didn't know) Betty Boop.They all started out "swagger jackin" someone else, but at the end of the day, they created their OWN persona... That's what I think of kim n nicki. Nicki may have STARTED OUT doin it like kim did, but now,she's on a whole nother level of somethin diff.. So with that said.. Kim and Nicki r two different ppl on two different levels to me. #ThatIsAll :drops mic:"

To me, Kim holds the crown for "ol school rap"(and her new diss record against Nicki proves that...Kim is and will always be one of the top ol school female rappers).. thats a title Nicki could never take. And Nicki holds a whole another title of her own in our generation.

It doesnt matter IF Nicki started out "swagger jackin" Lil Kim.. Who Nicki Minaj is NOW, is NOTHING compared to what Lil Kim is or ever was. Her style and her style of rap is COMPLETELY different at this point. So that leaves me to ask..

WHATS THE BEEF?

What is there to argue about or even compare. Two seperate artist, making two different marks in the entertainment industry. Period.

I think these two would create more of a buzz if they were just to make a collaboration than beefing with each other...but thats just my opinion.

A Lil Inspiration For Your Day

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“The degree of responsibility you take for your life determines how much change you can create in it.”

"The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible"

“Sometimes you have to lose your mind before you can come to your senses.”

“Instead of thinking outside the box, just get rid of it.”

"Dont stare so long at a door that closed that you dont see the door which opened"

"If you fail to learn from your mistakes, you are doomed to repeat them"

"Never ask someone to find time... If they want time, they will make it"

"Let your life be your message"

"Have the courage to look pass whats wrong, and see the value in whats right"

"Dont let someone walk away for it to take you to see what was standing right in front of you"

Never Go Away...

The song is called Never Go Away by Boyz II Men
And everytime I hear it my soul screams "Please Come Back" Boyz II Men... Please make a comeback.
Just a guitar and amazing voices and you have TRUE talent that VERY few artist can match these days...

This is absolutely one of my favorite songs

Blast From The Past

Every once in a while you encounter something from your past, and I just so happen to come across this. Its more than just a little personal, but none the less, I choose to share it. Its a poem I wrote to my ex in front with a picture in the background of the two of us. I read it now and laugh a lil... Obviously at the time when I wrote the poem I was "heartbroken" but needless to say, years later Im Ok. Time does heal wounds, but memories last forever.


A Picture
Evidence of what use to be
with you and me
and me and you
a time when it felt like dreams came true
Dreams...
all thats been left behind
along with memories when you were mine
and I was yours
to have and to hold
forever in time until we grew old
Time...
the only thing I cant reverse
back to the moments when u put me first
now these feelings feel like a curse
feeling that can be described in words
I love you
I need you
I live you
I breath you
You...
the noun that crushed my soul
the only reason why Im not whole
the only reason why Im not me
im not me because you cant see
See...
and though you cant Im ok
I go through this struggle day to day
but day to day I moved on
with the strength of a bull to make me strong
to pick up the pencil and a single sheet
and try to sketch what you cant see
to draw the foundation of my dream
then paint the portrait of you and me
A picture
the evidence of what could be

-Kamille Leai

Kamille Leai Wisdom

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If someone doesnt want you for who you are, then be happy. You wont have to change for the person who does.

Fight for what you want...Its the battle that makes you apprecaite the victory.

When you're single its easy to feel alone, the hard part is understanding that may be better for you.

Dwelling on your past stops you from changing your future.

In order to win, you have to risk losing...Take that chance.

Listen! Opportunity make be knocking softly.

There is no difference in quitting because you think you might fail and failing...They are one in the same

The Realist Shit I Ever Wrote

There comes a time where you feel confused..
lost
helpless
hopeless
This list goes on and on.

And then there comes a time where something happens that changes all that, and all of a sudden you find the answers...

That time for me happened just the other day.

There was someone I was dealing with for quite some time now. He was more like my weakness. And dealing with him, I was definitely at my weakest. On and off, running in circles, it was a relationship like a cat and mouse. We spent time chasing each other, more so like a game to see who will win. "Who will give into each other first" Who will break and make the first contact when we haven't spoken in a while. Who will be the first one to say "I miss you." Whoever was first meant the other person wins. And to be quite honest, I was usually the loser.

Cuz with me, its too hard to hide my feelings. Too hard to pretend. Too hard to live a lie when I know the truth. The truth was, he was everything I wanted. Problem is, sometimes what you want is not what you need.

He wasn't what I needed. But I couldn't figure out how to let go. How to distance myself. Each time I tried he found a way to drag me back in. We both tried going our separate ways, I started dating other people, he did too..but the minute I saw him, it was tunnel vision, forgetting everything else that could have been possibly right for me and chasing after what was wrong. He told me constant lies, that I would try to believe, always making excuses for him. I was protecting him more than myself.

Any lie he told me, I made an excuse for it...Making excuses for him were my way of creating a way for it be OK for me to be with him. I knew the reality, I just chose to ignore it. People like myself can MAKE themselves blind, only choosing what you want to see so you can live in a brief moment of happiness. Moments like those don't last forever. There comes a point where you have to face the truth. You tried turning you back on it, tried running away... But what can you do other than face it when it follows you wherever you go?

I had to face the truth, but I was still running. It was HIM who helped me. I'm sure he didn't mean to. I'm sure he meant to do the opposite. I know he would've never wanted me to snap out of the lust crazed spell he had over me and finally face reality. But, I'm thankful for his help.

Outta anger he told on himself. A bbm text that I still remember word for word. Something that I didn't WANT to hear but exactly what I NEEDED to. Reading what he wrote would usually make me angry, but that day...that day was different. I felt a sudden calmness come over me. No jealously, no rage, no pain, no regret. He finally gave up on his lies and spilled out the truth, and in a way where you can tell the words were meant to hurt me. But sometimes when you've been hurting for so long all you become is just, NUMB.

And that's when it hit me....I was thankful. Thankful that he finally said the truth...everything i knew was there, but kept my eyes closed not to see it. Thankful for that slap in the face he was trying to deliver. Thankful that through his anger, he has opened my eyes to a brand new me. A me that knows I'm better than to give all of myself to someone like him. The sacrifices I was willing to make were not about to be his blessing. When I love, I love HARD, and he shall and will always remain a stranger to that.

I read that bbm text he sent me over and over before i finally sent my simple reply.... "good looking out" and smiled as I put my phone down.

No more games, no more cat and mouse. No more tunnel vision. No more lies and DEFINITELY no more excuses. What happened that day is what I needed. Something I had to go thru. And it was for the best...Because I deserve the best...and someone else deserve the best of me. I am no longer caught up in a tangled web of lies...I finally faced the truth

And you know how the old saying goes


The truth shall set you free..

Its been a while...

So, it has definitely been a while since my last blog post. Needless to say I have done more than a few different things since then as well... but forget about all that, lets talk about whats on my mind right now.

2010 has been a tough year for me. Started out close to the top with some new found recognition from a well known television show, but of course, happiness isnt forever. Friends who were foe's, assault charges, jail time, and more than a few bad relationship experiences made me feel like a hit rock bottom. Sometimes it takes a person to reach a dead end to realize they need to turn themselves around and get on the right path....

I went down the wrong path...but here's what I learned ...

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a people pleasure. I always want the people I'm surrounded by to be happy, and for some reason, I always felt like that was my job. But if there is ONE thing in life i learned its that you can't FORCE someone to be happy, if they want to be miserable they will find a way.

HAPPINESS BEGINS WITH YOU!

I had to retrace those steps and realize that. I wasn't put on this earth to please everyone, and no matter what I do I'm sure I won't be able to. The only person I KNOW I can make happy...is me.

Of course in life you are gonna encounter more than a few phony people. The only time it really seems to effect you is when those are the people you considered yourself close to. The people you looked out for, the people you cared for, the people you thought felt the same about you. Real to your face, but fake behind your back...the only way you would be able to see it coming is if you had eyes in the back of your head but unfortunately God didn't create us that way.

SOMETIMES YOU EXPECT MORE FROM OTHERS WHEN YOU WOULD BE WILLING TO DO THAT MUCH FOR THEM

That's how it is.. and that's how it will always be. Its apart a life. Its an experience that creates growth, and if you allow it, it can also turn into motivation. Some people believe in keeping your friends close but your enemies closer, but sometimes your best friend is really a masked enemy ...and that should never be someone you should keep in arms reach. Be careful of the company you keep. The easiest yet most difficult way to find out who your true friends are is to see who is there for you once you hit rock bottom. Easy because you can point the finger for who's there for you and who's not, but a difficult scenario to go through just to figure it out. Life will never hand you a win/win situation all the time...

When it comes to friends just remember one thing....Its better to have a few true friends than 1000 fake ones. Life isn't suppose to be a popularity contest. But also keep in mind... don't rely on others too much

If you're not leaning on anyone then there is no way they can let you down. (think about it)


This year has been one HELL of a year for my "relationships" (And NO I'm not talking about the fake one I had on television) I've been searching for something REAL in MY reality... but reality is... its been a little hard to find. I typically go for the wrong guys...you know the ones who only care about themselves while I spend my time caring for them as well. Seems kinda unfair but then again life isn't exactly fair now is it. It wasn't until I realized...maybe I'm not finding the right person for me for a reason. Maybe this just isn't my time. Probably because this is the time I need to be using to focus completely on ME and no one else. I gotta find myself before anyone else can. Not saying I'm a lost soul, but I can say I'm not completely sure what I wanna do, or where this road in life is leading me... but its better for me to figure out where I'm going before I invite anyone along for a ride in my life.

I guess I gotta wait for the right time, but you know what they say ...

Patience is a Virtue


It may seem like I'm just blabbing my feelings all over this post... but at times I can be an extremely deep person, and I just cared to share my thoughts. If you didn't get the message from what you just read, allow me to lay it out for you..

IT ALL STARTS WITH YOU.

You matter first. Never rely on anyone else to make you happy when you know BEST what can make you smile. Achieve happiness thru you.

Don't "LEAN" on others. If you're strong enough to "stand up" on your own then there is no way anyone can let you down.

And don't be afraid to be "alone" There is no better time to focus on yourself and get to know who YOU are. you must know yourself before anyone else can.


That's enough blabbing from me for now. I guess when I have another deep moment I'll be back with another post. They'll get deeper and deeper... and maybe more personal...but I rather share it all then keep it bottled up inside.

Feel free to leave comments here or you can always tweet me :) @KamilleLeai

Take care for now...But I leave you with this

"The road to success is not straight.There is a curve called FAILURE, a loop called CONFUSION, speed bumps called FRIENDS, red lights called ENEMIES, caution lights called FAMILY and you will have flats called JOBS. But if you have a spare tire called DETERMINATION, an engine called PERSERVERANCE, insurance called FAITH, and a driver called JESUS you will make it to a place called SUCCESS."